Sin, Cross, Repentance

Growing up in church, the basics of the Christian faith were hammered into my head (along with questionable theology like warm, fuzzy stories of cartoon animals walking 2-by-2 into Noah's ark, and Jonah having a hayday inside a whale). We sin, Jesus died for our sin on the cross, and to take advantage of that, all we have to do is repent.

Duh.

Richard really hammered it home this week, though. I love that he started his teaching by working through the Old Testament and giving us a background and history of blood sacrifice and some of God's characteristics.

...Then we got down and dirty. Richard challenged us to do a little deep cleaning in our hearts, and spend time asking God where there is sin in our lives. We discussed how God does not want to punish us for our sins, but rather, like a parent, he disciplines out of His incredible love for us.

"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement through faith in His blood." - Romans 3:22-25

The view from our condo in Florida of a church across
the Intercoastal during a magnificent sunset.

We went though a "Sin List" so that we could sit down with God and ask him to reveal where we have sin in our lives that we don't even realize. The "Sin List" included:

• Idolatry - putting anything before God (career, $$, friends, family, etc.)
• Blasphemy - using the Lord's name inappropriately, saying "God told me..." when He didn't, etc.
• Breaking the Sabbath
• Not honoring your mother & father
• Murder - or using other physical force
• Adultery - emotional sexual deviation, lust, pornography
• Stealing - time, small stuff, large stuff
• Bearing False Witness - lying about people to look better; gossip
• Coveting - "I wish I had..."
• Bitterness - complaining, talking about other people
• Foolish Conversations - going around and around
• Lewd Humor - inappropriate jokes
• Unresolved Debt
• Fear - not trusting God
• Disobeying God - not doing something He specifically asks of you
• Hatred
• Pride

At first glance, I didn't really think I had a lot to bring to the table. We're all sinners and I know that but I haven't done anything really "big" or "bad" lately. I didn't steal a car or kill anyone, I don't tell inappropriate jokes and I don't have any debt (yet). Sitting down with the list was really convicting though - there is some major sin in my life and the more I looked at it and studied what God has said about it, the more I realized the implications it has had.

The sins that God really laid on my heart were:

• Coveting - familiarity of home; having a house/family; money; material possessions. Being able to decorate a home or have a "normal" job; knowing what the future will hold - stability.
• Sabbath - making it a priority. We have plenty of free time here but am I using it wisely?
• Bitterness - Not being totally content and joyful with where God has me now; not trusting that He knows what is best for me in this season. Using my bitterness to pull others down or as an excuse to complain/gossip.
• Fear - being scared about my future. Not praising God for what he has already given me, but being timid about the days to come. Not keeping in mind his promise to take care of me.
• 
  

When God says he wants us to walk in the light, He is saying that he wants us to feel FREEDOM and JOY and HAPPINESS and PURITY, not the emotions that have been coming with my sin - frustration, annoyance, bitterness, lack of control, timidness, fear, hurt, anger, rejection. He wants us to enjoy one another and live in community and draw strength & encouragement from one another. Why do I hold on to painful things that drag me down? Why am I making myself unlovable and hiding in the dark instead of rejoicing in the things He wants to give me when I walk in the light with Him?

"For once you were darkness, but now you are LIGHT in the Lord. Live as children of the light." - Ephesians 5:8

"This is the message we have heard from Him and declare to you: God is Light. In Him, there is no darkness at all...But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus purifies us from all sin." - 1 John 1:5,7

"But the fruit of the Spirit is: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." - Galatians 5:22






"For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other so that you do not do what you want." - Galatians 5:17




It is amazing to me that the God of the universe loves me even when I'm not walking anywhere near the light. When I'm not being anything that resembles a living testimony to Him, or trusting in Him in at all. He doesn't just love me a little bit either, He loves me so much that He sent His son to DIE for me. He paid the ultimate price.

Really? Really?

"You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you." - Psalm 86:5


"Because of he Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness!" - Lamentations 3:22



Redemption is such a confusing and amazing subject for me to think about. It literally baffles my mind because it costs us absolutely nothing and absolutely everything at the same time. It involves laying down our own rights and feelings and asking God to remove our sins as far as the east is from the west. There is absolutely nothing we can do to earn it and even though God sees us as valuable, we are not worthy enough to be able to save ourselves. I love this because it goes against typical Western ideals, that tell us we can attain anything if we work hard enough or give more or do more.

All of this realization was really huge for me this week. God desires so much better for me and He won't ever, ever, ever stop pursuing or loving me.


So, my CHEER for the week was the deep clean (which inspired me to vacuum and mop and clean my room too). It was something I wasn't really looking forward to at all but, like real cleaning, it feels so great when you're done and can see the final product. It's also embaressing to look back on the mess you've made after you clean but God offers a giant garbage can to put all of my junk in and send it to the curb, which is awesome. I also really loved the stations that were set up to help us sort out the things that came from the sin list - they really helped to illustrate redemption and God's love for us. I have a hard time really grasping that sometimes but the atmosphere of the classroom helped a lot. Kudos to Richard and the staff for getting it set up!

My JEER for the week is the attitude I've been toting around since I got here. I hate that I have been such a jerk and so bitter to myself and so many other people. I have caught myself so many times thinking negatively of a person or a situation or feeling sorry for myself but I love that I finally feel free and am able to take captive of the thoughts I've had and the tongue that I have not done a good job of filtering. I know that I am still a work in progress and that I'll have good and bad days, but I am also so relieved to know that God doesn't want me to be miserable and He has a great plan for me, I just need to capture it.

The YWAM VALUE I want to explore this week is Practice Hospitality. Ironically, my work duty is in the hospitality area but my heart has not been very hospitable lately. Going forward, I really want to embrace the community that we have here and be open and hospitable to everyone here. Living in a tight-knit community is very different for me but there is a good chance that I may never have this opportunity again, and even if it feels very encroaching sometimes, so I want to take advantage of having people around all the time. I want to get to know them and enjoy spending time with them and to learn to be hospitable to everyone, because God loves community and desires for us to be in it.

Niko Week

This week, our DTS class went to NIKO camp. David and I ended up coming home early for a few reasons, but I definitely learned a lot about myself and God through the experience, and am still processing quite a bit of it.


After a lot of preparation and packing, we arrived at camp, ate dinner, had a quick message by Alan, who is awesome, and were then presented with the opportunity to make a public commitment to the rest of the week. Only a few of us really took much time to think about it but it was something I didn't want to take lightly, so David and I spent a lot of time talking about it with each other, Richard, and Alan. Eventually, we committed and the whole camp began a hike to the barn where we'd spend the first night.

The next few days were a blur of teamwork, emotion, campfires, mud, push-ups, snow, beautiful hikes, and rationing cereal.


Eventually, after a lot of discussion and prayer, David and I decided to come back earlier than the rest of the team and arrived in Burtigny on Wednesday afternoon. I was surprised by the overwhelming support that we each received from our teams, especially since we were leaving after making a commitment to them - maybe they were just excited about having to share food with 1 less person :) 


Anyways, after we got back (and took hot showers and a nap), I wanted to start getting caught up with my Bible reading and jumped into Leviticus. Most of Leviticus is full of law that really applies to Moses and the Israelites, but among it I found these little gems: 


‘If a person sins because he does not speak up when he hears a public charge to testify regarding something he has seen or learned about, he will be held responsible." -Leviticus 5:1


"Or if a person thoughtlessly takes an oath to do anything, whether good or evil—in any matter one might carelessly swear about—even though he is unaware of it, in any case when he learns of it he will be guilty." -Leviticus 5:4


God really shook me with these verses, and confirmed that coming home was, for me, the best decision. I was reminded of John Bill's teaching about intercession and listening to our "first instincts" and realized that I was guilty of taking the oath on Monday night far too ligthly, even after my first instinct told me not to stay. Also, although I tried to remain neutral about us leaving and not persuade anyone else with what I thought they should do, I am proud of my decision to leave and physically "speak up" about what I felt was an uncomfortable situation. Staying or leaving was a decision each person in our group needed to make for themselves, but I'm glad that I had the opportunity to be an example and show that it is okay to get yourself out of something you do not want to be a part of.

Regardless of how I feel about some of the things that happened at NIKO, God is bigger than our situations and is able to use every moment to teach us something. My cheer for the week was definitely teamwork - I had a lot of fun spending time with my team on Monday and Tuesday and really saw new sides of Nancy, Billy and Dan. They each did their part in both leading and entertaining our team and I really enjoyed spending time with and getting to know them better. To me, the hike was especially great - while other teams were lost or traipsing through the river, our team just had an enjoyable afternoon together. In fact, we did so well together that we had to blindfold a 2nd member of the team...and we knocked that out as well.


The teamwork didn't stop at NIKO though. Filo, Sarah and Deborah came home on Wednesday night, so on Thursday we organized a time with them and Florance to make a "welcome home" sign and pray for the rest of our class. None of us really wanted to talk about NIKO any more but we had a lot of fun listening to music, eating cookies, learning about each other and decorating the sign together. It seems so silly to write about as "teamwork" but to me (and everyone else who worked on it, I think), the time was really significant as it kept my mind off being away from my NIKO team and helped me to concentrate on the new team I had at the base.

I've done a lot of thinking about what my jeer would be for the week, and I really can't decide. I think overall, I was just disappointed with the NIKO experience. I can brave the cold, I can hike, I can be sore and sleep in a wet sleeping bag, but I have a really hard time watching so many people that I have come to love be put in situations that they are extremely uncomfortable with under the name of the Gospel.


 I completely understand that outreach will be tough and that we will face a lot of similar situations but I think it is hard to replicate that in a week-long camp. We may have to cross a river full of alligators or kill a chicken or stand face-to-face with an angry person....but knowing that it is for the sake of saving souls, and giving people in Africa eternal life changes the entire perspective for me. 

Our team crossing a river in Haiti - to hand out Bibles and share
the Gospel

Unfortunately, trying to make that situation didn't work for me. I think that NIKO probably works really well for middle or high school-aged students who need to really experience God, but many of the "points" that the NIKO staff tried to make have already been made, in a much more powerful way, in my life. They wanted to show us how we will not always be under Godly or "nice" leadership - but I've lived that first hand by going to a secular university and working in secular jobs over the past few years. I have also heard/seen God work in my life in amazing ways, and He has always been there to offer grace, forgiveness and confirmation, not doubt, as portrayed by the NIKO leaders.


In the future, I think more communication would be helpful as well. If NIKO continues to be incorporated into a DTS curriculum, students should be warned to bring things from home that can be ruined. It was really disheartening to see students ruining their own clothes (and even stuff from the boutique), but especially hard to see things ruined that can't be replaced - like Carolyn & Kathryn's Bibles. I spent a LOT of time at Goodwill before coming here, on the lookout for skirts to take to Africa, and could have easily picked up extra boots, pants, etc. but that was never communicated. It is definitely not the end of the world, but something that could easily be avoided in the future.


While I'm still processing the week (okay, 2 days) that I spent at NIKO, it definitely wasn't a complete wash. I learned how much God desires community for his children and really came to appreciate all of the different personalities and learning styles that we have in our class. I also learned how important it is for me to take hold of what I believe - not what my church has taught me or what my family believes or what my favorite politician endorses. As David and I get ready to head to Africa and then spend 2 years in Mongolia, I know that we will be put into situations where we will have to make decisions based on our faith, and I want to be sound in knowing what God says and have the guts to get myself out of situations that I am not comfortable with. 


The YWAM Value I want to explore this week is "Function In Teams." I know it is getting redundant but I was really just blown away about the teamwork that I saw this week, both in and out of NIKO. During "typical" weeks in lecture, we don't have a lot of opportunities to work in teams (or maybe I just don't take advantage of them) so it was great to see the unity that working in teams brings. Being a part of multiple teams this week (my NIKO team, the "team" at the base, and my favorite team - David and me) showed me how encouraging and healing it can be, and exactly why God designed us to be in community with each other.


"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" -Proverbs 27:17

Skipping Stones

This week, our DTS class was blessed to have John Bills come to speak with us about intercession and mission. He has done a lot of very valuable work in the AIDS community and had great insight into reaching and loving those whom we don't necessarily care for, or who make us uncomfortable or even scare us.

At the beginning of the week, John talked about loving people and not just tolerating them. This spurred another student to approach me and we had a great discussion about how we had been tolerating each other, but not loving each other. We both agreed that hadn't really been "lovable" to each other and often said things to pick a fight with the other one. Although it was a hard, painful conversation, the fruit that has come from the discussion is totally worth it. We have gotten along great since then, and it was a great reminder that we all need to work on being more loveable. Because we are loved by the King of Kings, who knows every little detail of our heart and every hair on our head. And if he can love us, we can surely find room to love each other.

I really enjoyed learning more about John's AIDS ministry (we sat with him at meals a few times and really got to hear his heart for what he does), especially with his friend, Skip. Basically, Skip was an AIDS patient was was completely turned off from hearing from John - especially anything relating to the gospel. But God continued to pursue John's heart for Skip and eventually Skip warmed up to him and accepted Christ on his deathbed. John uses the example of Skip as someone who pushed him past his breaking point - he had given all of the pity and compassion he could muster but had to go beyond and find unconditional love in order to continue loving Skip. We have to trust that if God has called us to work with the difficult people in our lives, that He will give us the strength and grace to do it.

As he talked about missions, John really concentrated on the why instead of the where, when or how of missions, which I often do not stop to think about. We need to be sure that we are not focused on doing things because they make us feel good, but because they are the very things that break the heart of God. Missions is not necessarily a ministry to people, but how we are responding to the suffering of the world in our hearts, I have often heard and prayed "here am I, send me" but never thought of missions as "here am I, break my heart." That is exactly what God asks of us though, and I sincerely want to have a heart that is broken for the things that break the heart of God.

Genesis 6:5-6 says, "The Lord saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. The Lord was grieved that he had made man on earth and his heart was filled with pain."

John describes this as the most sad verse in the Bible and I couldn't agree more. Just reading it makes me sad because it is a reminder that our sin is God's sorrow. Our sin doesn't only effect our lives, or those of the people around us, but it breaks the very heart of God. Worse yet, God sees all of the suffering and pain and sin of every single person in the world. How much greater is his heartache?

In all honesty, knowing that I have asked God to break my heart for the very things that break His scares me. I know that God is faithful and that He will give me what I ask - and that it is going to be painful to see hurt and suffering and death. But at the same time, I know that He will not give me anything more than I can handle or any burden that I cannot bear.


Ezekiel 11:19 says, "I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh." I love that. I love that God loved the world so much that He gave us His Son and that he loves me so much that He will give me a new heart and a new ability to see His people through His eyes.

My Cheer and Jeer for this week are actually one-in-the-same. David and I had weekend kitchen duty last weekend and it was wild, to say the least. We cook a lot at home, so we didn't think we'd have any problems at all. Plus, dinner is usually not a very big meal, so we strolled into the kitchen at 4 ready to throw down and show off our master chef skills. At first things were fine - we made the sauce and diced up an obscene amount of garlic. And then things started to get crazy. The ground beef for the meatballs was still frozen and we couldn't find breadcrumbs anywhere. We improvised and tried to use croutons but the meatballs were falling apart and burned in the fryer, and dinner was a good 30 minutes late getting to the table. Plus, we made a huge mess and used every pot and pan in the kitchen, so when we finally finished we had hours of cleaning ahead of us. The Jeer part is the lack of communication - a lot of stuff was missing from our baskets, we couldn't find anyone to help us, and there was a lot of chaos and confusion. The Cheer part, though, is that we had a lot of fun. We have a lot of time together here but we are often engrossed in "deep" topics or Bible reading or discussions and don't have a lot of time for random stuff...which this definitely was. By the end of the night, we were singing along to Christmas carols (and other random songs) as we scrubbed dishes and mopped the floor. It was exhausting but fun, and one of those memories that we will continue to look back on and laugh about.

The YWAM Value I want to explore this week is "Practice Worship and Intercessory Prayer." Our worship times here have been a little different than I'm used to but this week was awesome - Billy brought some South African flare on Wednesday morning and we all rocked out. I've learned that worship isn't always what I'm used to, and of course it isn't at all about the music, but it was fun to hear something familiar. We are fortunate/unfortunate (depending on what I'm trying to do and the time of day....) to have our bedroom right on top of the classroom, so we get to hear the worship team playing and practicing a lot throughout the week.

I actually didn't know much about intercession before John talked to us about it this week, so it was really enlightening. I've obviously prayed for people before but he has a sort of systematic group "plan" that he uses. We were able to try this out a few times with groups this week as we prayed for various countries and issues facing them. We kind of bumped our way along as we figured out how exactly to do intercession the way John described, but the result was a really great time of prayer for a few countries who are facing persecution and oppression, and I was really given a taste of what it means to have a heart that breaks for the things that break God's.

Defining God

Wikipedia (which we all know holds the answers to all of life's greatest questions) defines the word "definition" like this: 

A definition is a passage that explains the meaning of a term (a word, phrase or other set of symbols), or a type of thing. The term to be defined is the definiendum (plural definienda). A term may have many different senses or meanings. For each such specific sense, a definiens(plural definientia) is a cluster of words that defines it.

While I think this is a pretty good definition of....well, "definition," after hearing Etienne speak about the definition of  GOD over the past week, I don't think that Wikipedia is able sum Him up. In fact, He can't be summed up at all. That's the whole point. Since I have definitely been guilty of trying to put borders on Him in the past, I really enjoyed the fresh perspective that Etienne brought to our class.


Before we even began to talk about the different attributes of Etienne explained the "transcendence" of God. God is beyond our human understanding, and is not limited by our ability to understand Him.  He is so much bigger and greater than us that we could study him for a million years and still only see a portion of Him. I love the way that God describes that to us in Isaiah 55:8-9 when he says, 


"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"


We went on to talk throughout the week about how God is spirit, God is life, God is personal, God is infinite and God is consistent. As someone who grew up in the church, these are things that I grew up knowing but not necessarily believeing. In fact, as I write this, these attributes of God still amaze me. How is it that the God who created the heavens and the earth cares about me? How is it that He is the same yesterday (and thousands of years ago), today and forever?  One of the passages Etienne shared that really touched me was Exodus 3:14, when God says to Moses, "I AM who I AM" and essentially presents Himself as a "blank check." It is so comforting to know that even when I don't have a clue what I'm doing or why I'm in any of a number of situations, God does. And he can be anything that I need him to be.


That said, my favorite thing about this week (CHEER!) was taking time to meditate on the different names of God on Thursday morning. David has a poster with a lot of the names of God listed on it at his parents house, so I've seen it all hundreds of times, but taking the time to really pray and meditate on the names put a whole new spin on it for me. Knowing that God calls himself all of these names is one thing, but thinking about how he can be so many different things to me was really inspirational.  I was especially effected by the name "Rock" and the passage from Deut. 3:24 that says, "I am the Rock, His works are perfect and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He."


This passage reminds me of the story of David and Goliath and how David literally depended on a rock to save his life and defeat Goliath. In the same way, we can depend on the Lord to be our rock when we face challenging situations.

I didn't have much of a JEER this week (I'm saving them all for after Nico week!), but am still being challenged in adjusting to community living. I've always been a pretty independent person, and have been living basically on my own for the past 2.5 years, so living on the base has been different for me, to say the least. I find myself getting frustrated and feeling "stuck" here at the base, and often must remember not to be offended when so many members of our group are significantly late to planned events (even though I am guilty too!). I had the opportunity to go to Rolle and Nyon with Flor last week and went exploring in Nyon this morning, which has really helped me to feel less stuck. David and I have also taken opportunities to explore the beautiful area around the base - it's hard to feel like God isn't there taking care of you when you see just how creatively he has designed this area of the world!


The YWAM Value I want to explore this week is to Know God. It is really exactly what we talked about with Etienne all week, and I enjoyed being able to more intimately know God through His names and attributes. I have also really enjoyed the Bible reading - it is something I haven't been very good at doing on my own but reading God's word is so insightful to his characteristics and personality.

Letter to God

Father,

Only you know all of the emotions running through my head as I think about being a part of this DTS class for the next 6 months. I am excited, scared, nervous, anxious and humbled to be involved in what you are doing all over the world.

While I know that this will be a time of great stretching and growth, I want to make a commitment to give it my all. We've only been here for 2 weeks and I have already been stretched outside of my comfort zone, exposed to a million new things, and pumped full of information about you. I can't imagine what else you have in store for me, and vow to be a faithful steward of the time, information and knowledge you give me.

Love,

Nicole

Therefore I exhort you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a sacrifice – alive, holy, and pleasing to God – which is your reasonable service. Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may test and approve what is the will of God – what is good and well-pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:1-2

Title Page + Goals & Expectations

Welcome to my DTS Journal! I am hoping that this will be a place where I am able to process some of the things that God is doing throughout my time in Europe/Africa, and later be able to look back on as a testament to the Lord's faithfulness and provision in my life.

I am coming into this whole experience without many goals or expectations - it is something that David and I felt called to do, and we jumped in without much research on what exactly we'd be doing. In fact, it wasn't until less than a week before we left the USA, when I was out walking with my mom one morning, that I realized I couldn't answer any of the questions she was asking.

What would we be doing all day? What would our classes be about? Would we have a schedule? Guest speakers? Field trips? Free weekends?

All of these were questions that I just didn't know the answers too - but I had a plane ticket. I was leaving.

The whole idea of YWAM in general was introduced to me while we were in Haiti with our church, Christ Fellowship. While staying at the Gonaives base, we heard Pastor Maula passionately describe his dream of building a YWAM Training Center and Orphanage in a rural area in the mountains. He told us that he believes people from our group would be back to help run it, and I believe that is one of the [[many]] reasons that David and I are here now.

More importantly, though, I am hoping that our time here prepares us for the time that we will spent in Mongolia with the Peace Corps...and eventually for a life of missions. Although we will not be allowed to "proselytize" while serving in the Peace Corps, my eyes have really been opened to the the many different ways that we can show Christ's love without handing out tracts or preaching on a street corner.

My prayer is that this would be a time of growth in my knowledge of and relationship with God, and an opportunity to be stretched out of my comfort zone. I want to think so hard that my brain is exhausted at the end of the day, I want to make new friends - even if it means learning French, I want to strengthen my marriage, learn what it means to fully rely on God, and see the realities of the world - even if they break my heart.

"Neither shall they say, Lo here! or Lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you." (Luke 17:21)